Life update|| An unexpected turn...

Hey guys...
I've been putting this post off for about... A month now? Well, to be fair, I did have exams alongside with this new problem which I encountered.

*breathes in deeply*

I failed college. 

There. I said it. I failed. I failed, I failed, I failed. I didn't pass enough exams in order to get into second year. I failed.
But... I don't feel bad? People would expect me to feel like crap, I expected to feel like crap but I don't. Why?

I found out about this nearly 2 weeks ago. And the past two weeks I have spent in thinking, pondering, problem solving, depression fighting. Only to finally figure it out- the degree I was pursuing wasn't my degree. English major here isn't what I thought it would be. I thought it will be novels and analysis of said novels, creative writing- lots of it. Sadly, my first year was wasted on phonetics and grammar. I thought about what I wanted to do for the rest of my life. Could I really spend my entire working life being a teacher? I mean, that was the plan... I came to the conclusion that I simply cannot. Then, I had to figure out what I could do until death and one word popped up in my head- writing. I want to write. I googled a bit, looked it all up and came with a solution- I will try again next year. A gap year, and then entrance exam. I will try to get into journalism. I will be a journalist.

Because of this gap year, there will be a shift in my content. Both in amount of it and the topics.
I look forward to having this year to myself, and documenting it on this blog.

Now, I have to find myself outside of all the roles which I put on myself and which were put on me. I have to see myself outside the English Major stereotype, I have to see myself outside college completely. Who am I without the deadlines, without the word "must" in my everyday vocab, without the stress and anxiety, without the feeling of "not enough" in my head. I look forward to doing things just because I want to, as opposed to my life depending on it. All my planning now, everything which I do throughout the day is because I feel like it. If I feel like reading, I can. If I feel like yoga, i can. If I want to implement new routines, I can because now I have time.

Wow. I have time. I have time to develop myself, prepare myself for the freshmen year again but this time properly. I want to get into those halls, go to my lectures and be happy. Right from the start, from day 1 of freshmen year as an English major I was stressed out. I was envious of people from my class who were simply enjoying the course. I thought it's something they do which I don't, maybe they work harder than me, maybe they just know how to fake it. But, now I know it's because they are doing just that- enjoying the course. They feel like they belong, while I never got that feeling. Maybe journalism will give me that feeling. If nothing, I am excited!

I know this wasn't a terribly interesting post, that you might yawn just at the title, but I felt like I needed to get this out. I want to justify myself for the lack of posts as well as the shift in the content which will happen, starting the next post.
I hope you at least read it completely.
Lots of love,



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