Impact.

Hey guys, welcome to a new post! I know I haven't been posting much in the past few weeks. I definitely haven't posted as much as I wanted to, but there's a solid reason behind it...


                                       I GOT A JOB!

I've been teaching English (mostly conversational, with a bit of grammar on the side) in an online school to Japanese people! It's super fun, the paycheck is okay (could be better, but oh well) and I have flexible time. But, since I've been working a lot (5 hours a day isn't a lot to someone, but for me who hasn't worked... ever, is. suck it up. no judging.) I haven't had enough time to do what I like. If that makes sense? I mean, I've been getting my reading in line and I do watch YouTube and see my boyfie (sending you love babe) but other than that, my other spheres just fell in second plan.
Now today, and when I say today I mean like RIGHT NOW, I had to do something uncomfortable. Something which I've been avoiding to do for quite a while... First, I have a confession...

                                                        I was an Avon lady.
Technically, I still am... But, I joined the Avon company as a seller WAY BEFORE I DECIDED TO BECOME A VEGETARIAN AND WAY BEFORE I FOUND OUT THEY TEST ON ANIMALS. So don't bite my head off, don't twist my neck and just chill... I didn't know.
In June, when I did my research and finally decided to make this huge shift in not only my diet but in lifestyle in general, I wanted to end my contract. Now, my manager which gives me the brochures and the promo material and whatnot is a lovely girl. I shit you not, I haven't seen a cuter girl and a nicer girl than her. She even let me stay in her group when I came back from Novi Sad to my home town. That's how cool she is about all of this. So it really wasn't because of her. It really isn't about her.
But I noticed that, I just can't... I can't make myself say "Look, I don't want to be an Avon lady anymore, cut the contract". I can't! And it got me thinking, and this is why this post is now made, how much of an impact my anxiety has to my life.
I don't think I have posted anything serious or anything related to my mental health. I have another confession...

                                    I have anxiety and depression.


And no, before you start talking about bullshit that "every blogger/ youtuber has anxiety/ depression" stop. I have an actual medical report that I in fact do have these problems. I am not well. I haven't been for a while. So shut up and listen.. Or read, whatever. I am not well. I have problems. I have things which I can't do. It's not that I don't want to, I can't. And if anyone thinks this is easy or simple... Trust me- I wouldn't wish it to my greatest enemy.
To cut the story (a bit) short(er), I was officially diagnosed with anxiety and depression in my first year of college. It's kind of a funny story, but basically what happened is that we needed to get a check-up at the doctor's office so that we can get a stamp in the back of our indexes so that we can pass the semester, and on that check-up we had a sheet with self-evaluation of some random things like sleep patterns, paranoia and whatnot. Well, based on that sheet, the lady sent me to a psychiatrist who told me that based on all of my answers I suffer from anxiety and depression. She prescribed me some sleeping pills which made me feel like dog crap and bam- I got a report on my full mental state.
Turns out- I'm batshit crazy. Like, a bit of paranoia, a smidgen of insomnia, a pinch of mania and a whole lotta of panic and sadness. But in all seriousness, she told me that the first part is normal, but that my anxiety levels are pretty high.
From this perspective, almost a year after my diagnose being made, I can kind of see when it all started. But that's not the point of this post. No, the point is how it affects me on a day to day basis. And no, I am not whining, or making a martyr out of myself, I am not asking for attention. Nothing like that. Leave that bullshit out of my blog. I am doing this to share my experience. To share my daily struggle, to let you guys see it yourself. Who knows, maybe it could help you all out.
             

                                 


  1. I can't say my opinions to strangers. 
  2. I can't speak up in larger groups. 
  3. I can't properly introduce myself because I feel stupid.
  4. I can't try out new things in front of other people, for fear of looking stupid.
  5. If I am mediocre at something, I am not doing it in public.
  6. I can't use public bathrooms.
  7. I can't sing/dance/play the guitar in front of anyone.
  8. I don't exercise unless I am sure that no one is in my apartment. Oh, also- I don't go to the gym.
  9. I don't wear clothes which I like if I don't feel "safe" in them, i.e. I will not wear anything which I didn't wear before or anything out of my comfort zone (bold patterns, shapes, different looking clothes)
  10. I don't eat in front of people who aren't close to me. 
  11. I don't answer the phone. Ever.
  12. I don't pick up my cell phone if I see that it's an unknown number. Then I panic because it might've been something important. 
  13. I get severe panic attacks as soon as something goes wrong. Or if I think something might go wrong.
  14. I can't start a YouTube channel, even though I really want to, for fear of being ridiculed. 
  15. I always triple check my doors, taps and gas handle to make sure nothing will go wrong. 
  16. I hide my planner/ blog planner/ journal like the plague because I am afraid of someone finding it and that always gives me a panic attack.
  17. Writing this blog post is getting quite difficult, because this is quite personal. Getting personal with someone who's not close to me is fueling my anxiety like insane.
  18. I can't think about the past nor the future, as both fill me with fear and discomfort
  19. I can't ask for stuff in stores, for example when I have to ask for a bagel in a bakery I die on the inside and often bring someone else with me so that they can ask instead of me.
  20. If I have to repeat myself more than two times, I get panic that I am being stupid and start thinking that no one cares anyways
  21. When I get invited to a party, I try to avoid it as much as possible, because I never know if there will be someone new and I don't like meeting new people.
  22. Loud and crowded rooms make me want to hide.
There we go guys, there's probably more but these are just on top of my mind. Writing these things down made it obvious for me how ridiculous I am actually sometimes, but I swear I get crippling panic attacks on all of those things. The worst thing is that all of these things I pretty much have to do on a day to day basis. But, with some hacks I manage to keep it under control. (next post hint by the way).
Do you suffer from any of this? Be sure to follow me on Twitter and Instagram, I post cute stuff there and like that we can be friends (join the family!) 
Lots of love,
Omega.













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